I’ve been secretly collecting your DNA.

Hello pretty McDonald’s drive-through lady, it’s me, the fat guy in the loud, green Buick who always pays with cash. I’m the one who orders his three daily quarter-pounders with no pickles and extra cheese. Remember me? Sure, of course you do.  I thought it was time to let you in on a little secret; truly, I can’t keep it to myself anymore. Here it is: I’ve been secretly collecting your DNA with plans of absorbing it into my body and creating an entirely new organism.

You need to know that I’m not some psycho-creep stalker type of guy.  Sure, I know which bus you take home and that you have every other Thursday as well as alternating weekends off but that is practically public knowledge.  Really, anyone who comes here three times a day for months on end would notice the pattern, it’s quite obvious.  But enough about that.  Let me reassure you, you have nothing to fear; in fact, you’ve lucked out! 

About a year ago, as you were giving me $3.65 in change for my quarter pounder, your fingertips gently brushed the palm of my hand.  That’s when it hit me: we were now sharing a tiny bit of DNA! It occurred to me that if we could somehow share a lot more DNA, we could make something wonderful; here we are.

If all goes according to plan, we’ll create a new life, two organisms living as one in perfect harmony forever and ever.  All it will take is a few thousand more skin-to-skin contacts and a little bit of luck as our bodies absorb each other’s DNA and the growth process begins.  

To make this work I’m going to have to contribute copious amounts of reproductive fluids to the mix. To speed the process, I could use some hair  samples or nail clippings and perhaps a pair or two of your freshly-worn panties and/or socks.  This is for science so no worries there.

So, what do you think, pretty McDonald’s lady? Can we meld or what?