Christmas Shopping Ruined by Christmas

Businesses nationwide will shut for a soul-crushing 24 hours this December 25th allowing so-called “Christians” to celebrate the virgin birth of their Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. The ancient, mysterious sect is considered responsible for millions of dollars of lost shopping revenue in the Twin Cities alone while the national loss is predicted to be “catastrophic.”

“I don’t understand why everything would shut for a day halfway through the Christmas season.  I mean really, why would they do that?” asked bemused Christmas shopper Trudy Lincoln. “It’s almost as if they have something more important to do!” 

For most people,  Christmas is regarded as a time of great commerce.  There is no better way to celebrate this shopping season than by spending entire pay checks and running up credit card debt in such places places as Target, Kmart, Walmart, and of course Best Buy.  That will not be the case on Wednesday the 25th, however, infuriating would be Christmas shoppers across the country. Some shoppers have and even vowed to take their business online.  “Amazon doesn’t close,” noted lifestyle blogger and Instagram famous influencer Trent Danville. “They don’t let a few radicals ruin their business.” 

Many fundamentalist Christians mark the day by actually giving away their purchases to their families, friends, and in some remarkable circumstances, perfect strangers. Sadly, some seemingly normal celebrants will give toys to children, as if it were some sort of sick game.

Shops will reopen Thursday the 26th with great fanfare and low, low, low prices on everything from laptops and cell phones to electric scooters and bar fridges.  Prices will never be this low again and shoppers are urged to buy now and pay no interest until 2026.